I know you are exhausted from carrying the heavy burden of responsibility for the decisions your children make. You pray much for them, and that is a good thing. But then you worry and fret when you do not see the desired outcomes of your prayers. You turn to whatever you deem necessary to achieve your noble intentions for your children. You manipulate them and others who influence them. You hover over them with autocratic parenting.
Your efforts to control them are encouraged and reinforced by the myriad of expert, linear-thinking parenting materials so widely lauded in the Christian community. Read the right book, follow its' methods (biblical of course), and get nearly perfect, godly children. Oh, yes, and children who also excel at living The American Dream of prosperity and success.
You compare yourself to other mothers, and usually fall short. Their children have entire chapters of Scripture memorized, love attending Youth Group, are consistently on the Dean's List, stellar in multiple sports, and gifted musicians. At least that's how it seems, and their bumper stickers herald it.
You are embarrassed by the areas in which you and your children are just average, maybe less. So, you work hard to portray a more sanitized, successful picture of your family, hoping all the while that no one discovers your mediocrity and insecurities as a mom.
Even when your kids are thriving, you allow yourself little peace. Instead of enjoying the present, you project yourself into the unknown future of imagined threats. What if one of them is in a serious accident, or gives into peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol, or becomes sexually active?
You are exhausted treading water and image tending. It's impossibly difficult being god, isn't it? Trying to be the mini-sovereign in our children's lives, controlling their choices and circumstances?
This control you imagine you have is a mere illusion. It's hard to see them now, because the power to monitor, reward, and punish behavior feels like control. But your future self, after your children have left the next, will be confronted with what a lie you have believed. And in the process, you will have missed out on the peace and joy God has wanted for you all along.
You can choose something very different today. You can repent of the idol-worship of your family, the pride in yourself, and the sin of a people-pleasing orientation. When your children's happiness and success are the driving forces of your peace and contentment, you are placing them above God. He alone can satisfy your deepest longings and affirm your intrinsic worth.
You could add to your fervent prayer the choice to trust completely in the goodness and providence of our sovereign God, leaving each outcome in His capable hands. You could believe His promise to complete the good work that He has begun in you and in your children. And then choose to do that every day, for as long as you breathe, whether or not you see the desired results this side of eternity.
You could determine to believe that your identity is rooted not in your performance, or in your children's performance, but in who you are in Christ. And your worth is defined by who he says you are . . . a brand new person, chosen, His own child, dearly loved and never to be forsaken.
Today you can begin to experience peace and joy, even amid the challenges, disappointments, and pains of parenting. Mother well, to the best of your ability, while abandoning all efforts to control. Choose today rather to trust it all to Jesus. And then do this again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day.
Love,
Mother Who Receives Grace
(See many more such "Dear Younger Me" letters on the mentoring website, Dearyoungerme.org)