Mutual Mentoring

Why are older women often reluctant to wear the epithet of “mentor”? It’s the primary ministry work which has captured my heart, and yet I feel a little uncomfortable with it. We know God tells us in Titus 2 that it is His plan for older women to “teach what is good, and so train the young women”. After some pondering, here’s where the dissonance lies, at least from my perspective.

First, we do not feel “worthy” of the title, as we are all too aware of our own short-comings and failure-- and not just of those in our past, but even in our present. I’ve already dealt with this aspect of our reluctance in my blog of July 22, 2018, “The Reluctant Blogger” and how God uses imperfect people to further His Kingdom. Our worthiness is imparted by our union with Christ, not our maintaining a favorable position on our performance balance sheet. God uses both our strengths and our weaknesses, our accomplishments and our failures, to help us disciple younger women from a place of humility and vulnerability.

 Second, we know how often we are on the receiving end in our mentoring relationships with younger women. I can honestly say that each time I lead another Ornaments of Grace class, I learn innovative ideas and perspectives which challenge me to stretch myself. If Fred is patient enough to stick with me, he may very well have a regular Proverbs 31 wife by the time we celebrate our 50th anniversary!

At the risk of some certain omissions, let me express my gratitude for these younger women with whom I have enjoyed a relationship of Mutual Mentoring:

Jill – for the tremendous strength and faith she has demonstrated through the last few years of health crises. She embodies long-suffering in a God-honoring way, which includes a willingness to remain very vulnerable in sharing the heights and depths of her physical, emotional, and spiritual journey.

Stacie – for the childlike faith and trust in Jesus she has exhibited through her many year struggle with a serious health condition in all its manifestations of suffering and extreme fatigue. Whatever evils have befallen her have only driven her closer to her beloved LORD.

Carlie – for her excellent household management and creative intimacy in her marriage, a real

 W-0-M-A-N!

Emily – for creating a beautiful home and lovely, interesting tablescapes, even when on a strict budget.

Tara – for spreading her contagious joy and extraordinary encouragement everywhere she goes.

Meredith – for her wizardry in maintaining a simplified, yet warm and beautiful home. (Her closets are amazingly neat and lovely.) Her priorities allow her the time and emotional freedom to be a super fun wife and mom too!

In addition to these real-life relationships, I have some young podcast mentors who have shared some real wisdom (e.g. Allie Casazza’s for “moms who want to leave a legacy of intention and joy”, and Jody Moore’s “Better Than Happy” life-coaching).

So maybe we’ll be a bit more comfortable calling ourselves “Mutual Mentors”, a rose by any other name . . .

Behold the Avian Feast

My devotional book of choice during this Advent season is Behold: A Christmas Advent Journey, by Christee Gee. The author invites us to keep a posture of heightened awareness of Christ’s presence and activity around us in our days, the special and the ordinary alike. Some of the observations I have noted so far in my journal are:

               A beautiful pink sunrise

               A bright red Cardinal perched on a snowy branch outside my kitchen window

               My sister’s message about how God is delighting her in the gift of her new job

               My 2-year-old granddaughter’s request for her mother to read her a favorite book,

                              The “Nutcrapper”

We are constantly surrounded by these divine visitations, but how often they go unnoticed. On a recent stay in Florida, as my husband and I watched a familiar scene of a row of pelicans resting on a breaker wall, I saw it anew. It was as if God spoke to me the thought, “Behold the avian feast”.  I watched as the birds took turns flying up and then swooping down to retrieve a fish. Each in turn would retrieve his fish, return to his spot on the wall, swallow his catch, then perch contentedly.

God was faithful to supply a bounty of food, but the pelicans had a part to play. He did not just drop it into their mouths; they had to fly and catch their fish.  Isn’t that a poignant picture of our divine partnership with the Creator? We do not earn His abundant provisions, nor do we receive them with inert passivity. He allows us the privilege and responsibility of actively participating in the receiving and stewarding of His blessings.

“Then God blessed them and said, ‘Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground’.”

(Genesis 1:28)

God's Art Gallery

Driving the wooded and winding back roads to nearby Zionsville lately has been so lovely with the gorgeous red and gold leaves, waving “hello” as I pass them by, reminding me of God’s unceasing splendor and continuous activity of re-creation. The row of Euonymus Alatus shrubs welcome me back home into my neighborhood, commanding my attention as their usual humble green has transformed into their well-earned moniker, the flamboyant “Burning Bush”.

Each season offers different magnificent beauties as the canvass of God’s Art Gallery is painted anew. Poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning admonishes:

               “Earth’s crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God; But only he who sees,

                takes off his shoes—The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.”

And Stasi Eldredge, in her new book, Defiant Joy, says:

“Natural beauty is more than a balm. It is a testament. Nature is God’s Pinterest page,   reminding us that joy is the greatest reality . . . that there are rhythms to nature and tempos to life”.

So as we go about our days, may we take time to notice the Creator Artist’s ever-changing canvass, and to express our gratitude for His awesome handiwork.

This Present Season

It is beneficial to reflect on our past seasons of life insomuch as we can apply the learning to our present season, and perhaps share insights from our glories and goof-ups with younger women friends. It is also useful to anticipate the opportunities and challenges of future seasons to be as prepared as possible. A good measure of optimism is helpful here, especially from my vantage point of looking toward the last quarter of life. Health issues? Financial challenges? And possible widowhood with its loneliness and hard work of finding a new normal.

But the greatest fulfillment in life is found by the woman whose primary occupation is with the present season. She notices the sights sounds, tastes, smells and textures all around her. She is attentive and responsive to the people around her as well as to the Spirit within her. She is grateful for the big and the little blessings each day offers. She suffers well in times of trouble, her faith and hope anchored securely in her good God. She is the woman I aspire to be, praised in scripture as noble.

               Proverbs 31:25 – “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”

In my final days on this earthly sojourn, I hope I can say, along with poet Mary Oliver:

“When it’s over, I want to say all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder

if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,

or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”

(“When Death Comes”)

Dear Mother Who Controls Outcomes

I know you are exhausted from carrying the heavy burden of responsibility for the decisions your children make. You pray much for them, and that is a good thing. But then you worry and fret when you do not see the desired outcomes of your prayers. You turn to whatever you deem necessary to achieve your noble intentions for your children. You manipulate them and others who influence them. You hover over them with autocratic parenting.

Your efforts to control them are encouraged and reinforced by the myriad of expert, linear-thinking parenting materials so widely lauded in the Christian community. Read the right book, follow its' methods (biblical of course), and get nearly perfect, godly children. Oh, yes, and children who also excel at living The American Dream of prosperity and success.

You compare yourself to other mothers, and usually fall short. Their children have entire chapters of Scripture memorized, love attending Youth Group, are consistently on the Dean's List, stellar in multiple sports, and gifted musicians. At least that's how it seems, and their bumper stickers herald it.

You are embarrassed by the areas in which you and your children are just average, maybe less. So, you work hard to portray a more sanitized, successful picture of your family, hoping all the while that no one discovers your mediocrity and insecurities as a mom.

Even when your kids are thriving, you allow yourself little peace. Instead of enjoying the present, you project yourself into the unknown future of imagined threats. What if one of them is in a serious accident, or gives into peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol, or becomes sexually active?

You are exhausted treading water and image tending. It's impossibly difficult being god, isn't it? Trying to be the mini-sovereign in our children's lives, controlling their choices and circumstances?

This control you imagine you have is a mere illusion. It's hard to see them now, because the power to monitor, reward, and punish behavior feels like control. But your future self, after your children have left the next, will be confronted with what a lie you have believed. And in the process, you will have missed out on the peace and joy God has wanted for you all along.

You can choose something very different today. You can repent of the idol-worship of your family, the pride in yourself, and the sin of a people-pleasing orientation. When your children's happiness and success are the driving forces of your peace and contentment, you are placing them above God. He alone can satisfy your deepest longings and affirm your intrinsic worth.

You could add to your fervent prayer the choice to trust completely in the goodness and providence of our sovereign God, leaving each outcome in His capable hands. You could believe His promise to complete the good work that He has begun in you and in your children. And then choose to do that every day, for as long as you breathe, whether or not you see the desired results this side of eternity.

You could determine to believe that your identity is rooted not in your performance, or in your children's performance, but in who you are in Christ. And your worth is defined by who he says you are . . . a brand new person, chosen, His own child, dearly loved and never to be forsaken.

Today you can begin to experience  peace and joy, even amid the challenges, disappointments, and pains of parenting. Mother well, to the best of your ability, while abandoning all efforts to control. Choose today rather to trust it all to Jesus. And then do this again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day.

Love,

Mother Who Receives Grace

(See many more such "Dear Younger Me" letters on the mentoring website, Dearyoungerme.org)